I have finally decided that Brian is no longerworth my time. He wrote my parents a letter and most of it was about how mean I was and that I never talk to him anymore and that he tries to give me space and all that crap.
Now Mom knows how I feel with nasty e-mails and even she said not to worry about it and to write him onec a month or so. She was like just get over it.
Aerikah is no longer with us. She made her transition, passed away, died...whatever you wish to call it, last week today.
Jean didn't do much except for give us tropical force winds and send me home of my own accord as Mom will be off at the Feast of the Hunter's Moon up in Indiana next weekend.
The kitten is as playful as ever and we are now trying to get she and Colin used to each other. I have become resigned to the fact that her name will be AC though I don't much care for it. She stil gives me a purely mental groul or fleating image of dislike whenever she hears it, but dad is dead set on it, so there's not much I can do except for keep the name between the two of us, and that's what I am doing. She will always be a Keemico to me, because that is what I and another friend confirmed her name to be...so?
Now...on to the rest and longest part of this message.
I'm about to throw in the towell in this Spanish class, seriously. The reader forgot the tape on Thursday, so I got it on friday and it was screwy. One side ran faster than the other on three different tape players. I explained this to my teacher over our Spanish appointment and since I hadn't talked with Cori yet she told me to do so and for us to figure something out.
So I did that and she's like so what do you want me to do? I'm totally at a los here, so I told her that I would have her have the reader redo the side, but she said that that would take time and it probably wouldn't get done till the end of the week...OK I know this. She also said that this couldn't continue to be trial and eror or I'd never get through this and that we need to find something that works. So, again, she's throwing it back to me, which is fine for the most part, but I am running out of solutions, and without anyone else to suggest anything, I would sort of like to be met half way for once. I felt like asking her if she had any ideas, but...
At any rate she gave me a disk with my orkbook pages in...guess what format? PDF!!! The one thing, correct me if wrong, that is the furthest from being JAWS friendly. If anyone has any way or anything that would make them JFW friendly, let me know,
So again, I am falling behind in the class, just after I had caught up. My PR class is another one that I am having a bit of difficulty with. I need a news release and feature story done, and I am not exactly how to word either.
Poetry class is the best one of the lot it seems at the moment, and besides not liking the shortness of my lines on the latest poem, I'm doing OK there.
And...now Mom is going on about me making lists...and I'd like to, but frankly I guess the reason I haven't done it is because it's not me. I guess I feel like liststake away spontaneity, and that's what I'm built on. Wild order if you will. Ordered doesn't exactly mean tamed...Mhage stormes book two. LOL Anyway, I may have to merely for the fact that it mabe the very thing that keeps me from breaking entirely under the strain of it all.
I spent fifteen minutes on one question on the Spanish tape and had such a headache afterword that I couldn't do anything else except sit and do something mind relaxing for the next half an hour or so. You know it's bad when I start taking and buying pain killers. Those who know me well will know that i rarely at all take any sort of pain medication and the very thought of chemicals like that in my body puts me on edge even more.
But if I don't find something that doesn't work for the Spanish class, I may have to drop the major all together, something I seriously do not want to do. Cori asked me how I had it done the last time, and I told her that it was sent out to Indiana University Bloomington and then sent back. But the only reason that was done was because my teachers themselves took the initiative themselves and went looking, not my disability coordinator. She was like, you didn't tell me this, why? Ug!!! I like the woman, I really do, but sometimes her tone of voice makes me want to explode at her. Something I never would have even thought to do last semester. I am not sure what is happening to me, but my mood seems to be rather melancholy and unlike my personality at this time, and I seriously don't like the way it's tending. I didn't tell her this because I seriously thought the tapes would work, and due to the fact that they're not and due to the fact that I am sitting here at a loss with a disk full of PDF files that I seriously am puzzled over since I do not have acrobat reader and am not even sure it works with JAWS, I, once again, am going to have to tell her that someone's work was all for nothing as she told me that she is paying someone else to make tapes for me is all for nothing because they are not working for me. She also told me that the reason she does books fo us over the summer is because it takes time. I realize this, however, sometimes I don't know what will have to be done, and not taking a Spanish class in over a year and a half, and having the braille always in front of me babies one. She told me that she was under the impression that I knew what I needed for the Spanish class. I am bevinning to feel like a big mess up this semester and I don't know how to clime out of the hole I seem to be digging for myself. I knowshe is going to ask me why I didn't tell her why PDF's don't work with JAWS and what can we do now...because I didn't know the PDF was what you were doing it in, and because you didn't ask before you started doing the stuff what format I preferred. She also could have told me that they were not text documents, but PDf's as I had brought up the fact and said that since they were text documents I could pull them up in word, I could do them that way. When I come home to find them in PDF, I nearly wanted to scream. I didn't even think to ask what format they were putting the files in because I assumed..once again...that they new that PDF's were not all that JAWS friendly.
I am tired of making excuses and appologizations to my instructor who I know has got to be privately annoyed with all of this and seithing inside with pent up anger which I know will explode all over me at some point or other. OK maybe it's me now that's asking too much, and making her ask too many questions, but at the moment I kind of feel like everything's falling apart, and contrarhy to what some may think, not all of it is on me. I will admit that some, maybe half is, but I am still not sure what I can do to entirely fixthis seriously messed up state of afffairs.
The only other options here are to:
A. drop the class and take it again later
B. go to IUN and find their course description to see if my conversation and diction class fits
C. audit the class and take it again for credit when I can actually get stof done,
D. drop the major all together and watch all my hard work in Spanish for these past four years go down the drain like so much wasted water.
I am having tention headaches nearly every day. My intuition is telling me to sleep with lamuriand crystal under pillow which seems to help with morning headaches, something that I have rarely done before and now have done two nights running. If I have done it, it's only been for one night, and those one nights were with several months in between. I am becoming peevish and croud skiddish again, and this is in crouds of less than fifteen or twenty...groups that are no bigger than some of my class sizes. Though in classes I seem to do OK. Even music played at a volume that really isn't considered loud is bothering me now...something that never used to. I'm beginning to notice withdrawal symtoms again, and to be brutally honest, yalls, I don't like it. I want to know that I can go out and hang out around others without becoming impationt with the littlest things five minutes into my visit to a place I once felt perfectly comfortable in. Now the only place I truly feel comfortable in is the Eagle cafe because it's quiet and the only thing going is the TV which is clear across the room so doesn't bother me all that much. and if the radio is going, I sometimes don't notice it because it's playing in the back where the staff works.
I'm tired of feeling like no matter how hard I try I can't seem to get ahead anywhere or satesfy anyone. I'm seriously near my breaking point here. I sat in front of my spanish tape last weekend in near tears. I haven't posted back dated entries dealig with my math experience at IUN, but this is exactly what this is turning into. I am sitting here wondering to all the havens why I am having to put up with another such lesson. I just wish I could somehow get all this out...and keep it out. I do have a counsellor, and it does help, but unless I can find a way to get something that works for the classes, it will be this all over again for the next four Spanish classes and Cori has told me that she is not going to go through this again. She also told me that I am not giving her time to do the trial and error things...something I know she needs, and something I do try to give her, but at the moment, I don't have much of. It didn't help that the side that was messed up had the assignments on it that wer due last thirsday and this week. It wouldn't have been so bad if the disk didn't have the PDF's that I have no knowledge of how to get at or use.
In any case, I suppose I should end this on a positive note with the fact that I am now finding myself the friend of at least two or three of the bus drivers who have no fear of talking with me. Roger even goes out of his way to make sure I get on the right bus even if he is not driving it. So that is cool along with the fact that my Spanish voice and conversation, though full of ums isn't as bad as I had thought it would be.
I tell you what, I wouldn't trade being blind or having certain abilities for anything...but sometines I just wish I could see for just a little bit...it would probably scare the hell out of me, but there we are. I'm not even sure I'm ready for actual sight. There are so many things that I take foregranted because I can't see that I wouldn't have if I could, and not having sight at all makes it a little more...well...interesting I guess. Also my blindness is a part of me, not my all defining characteristic, but still a major part of who I am. I'm not a blind person, I'm just a person who happens to be blind. Not that I agree with some organizations's definition of blindness, but I do feel that I should be known as me first and my blindness second.
So...now that I have made up for my week's absence with a novel of an entry, I suppose I should go find something to do...
If any one can find me a way to make PDF's JAWS friendly or tell me if acrobat reader or adobe acrobat reader...same thing...will work with JAWS...please comment ASAP