I am still working on Spanish assignments even though I had a week to do them at home, due to the fact that the Spanish class was not the only one I worked on at home and I relegated Spanish to night time as it drained the living hell out of me otherwise.
She said today that I had completed two of the seven assignments needed doing and I just turned in two more today...three more!!! When I thoughtI only had one or two more....and then she also wants the workbook!!!! This means going back through the tapes and trying to figure out how to do the work book assignments without much guidance as to what goes where....and I'm about ready to scream!!! I don't want to drop this class, but at the rate this is going, I may have to and take a W and maybe even consider dropping the major all together which is something I DO NOT (all in caps for those who can't see it) want to do!!!!! I actually let everything out in front of myself today...in front of the divine as well. I'm stuck here and am at a loss. Also I am noticing that I am feeling irritable, peevish, waspish and snarky more often than not. I try not to get impationt with people, but more often than not if things don't go right I want to snap. I was completely out of it today, something that has also been happening a lot lately. The hurricanes are making me nervous and are seriously overbalancing everything around my abilities...and I'm not even focusing on them anymore, nor am I trying to focus on my explorations at the moment as my top priority at the moment is school and trying to get ahead in my classes. Headaches plague me off and on somethimes, for no apparent reason, and it is under their influence that I feel the most irritable.
Someone has told me to ground and senter myself in the earth, and though I am trying to do this, I can't seem to keep myself in that state for more than a day, and my protections don't seem to be as strong as they once were. When I do have no feeling of anything it comes with a sense of disawareness as if walking in a daze and I feel completely exhausted. This makes me become disoriented very easily and I can't seem to follow directions worth a twat. This feeling doesn't go away until I am alone, then I feel extremely energized as if I could stay up three days straight, or at least one whole night.
OK maybe some of you are completely lost and probably think I'm a complete nut, but I felt that this had to come out.
I'm feeling still like I want to curl up and disappear. I am feeling like I am not satesfying anyone, and even with mom's support, Cori's throwing everythin back at me, like everythings my fault. "she procrastinates, and by the time she comes to me with things, she's already behind and I can't helpe her get ahead as quickly." OK maybe not her exact words, but close enough. I even explained to her about the braille thing, but she was still like, why didn't you tell me this in the beginning? I am becoming completely frustrated with her. I mean, I can see where she is coming from, and she has taken responsibility for not labelling the tapes, but everything else is my fault. She is making me out to be this procrastinator who doesn't get anything done on time and who is just this complete waste of time and...I don't like it! Arhrhrhrhrg, I swear that woman would like to make me gryphon-raging mad!! Gryphon battle-raging mad....and as some of you know who have read Misty, that's extremely dangerously mad. For those who don't, that is nearly bringing me to my boiling point where I could very well raise my voice to her....or worse...I would never do anything to harm anyone, but yelling and shaking of two fists in face would be....well...raising my voice and thinking this way is something I try never never to do. I did raise my voice once in the meeting we had last week, but I caught myself and was able to compose my feelings and modulate the voice. Sure I've let my frustrations show in the voice, but until I know how to school that, I can't help but do that. I know it shows in my face, too, though that would be harder for me to judge since I can't see my own expressions. I'm also becoming angry because no matter how much I try to explain that i didn't know what would work and what wouldn't she always seems to have a come back that puts her out of the direct line of responsibility. It's like she tries only so much then expects me to do the rest...and to some extent that's what I want, but when it comes to the point where I have to be perfect just because I'm blind, where I am responsible for half the world just because I can't see...it can get a bit much at times. I so would like to put her in my shoes for a day. I can see where she's coming from, but I don't think she completely gets where I'm coming from and all the experimentation needed during classes and how the not knowing is the worst sometimes.
I know I'll get through this, I know this too shall pass...but right now....I just want to scream!!!
The Phoenix cover ears *screams halk peercingly loud!*