I am not sure what to call this whole entire gambit of emotions that is going through me right now, except for to say that it is not pleasant.
For all those on our place, sorry for the abrupt departure, but Mom came back and wanted me to go out to keep my Grandma company. This was totally unexpected and succeeded in startling me. I'll admit I was a bit reluctant to go, but since I had not seen my grandma much, I went to do as I was bidden. Now normally I don't mind, and at first here, I didn't, but after telling her of my adventures, half of which I can hardly remember for the week here, I was more interested in the TV than in talking as hurricane information was being relayed.
It has now been upgraded to catagory two and was south of Cuba last I heard. Mom, Dad and Grandpa were out putting shutters up, while Grandma and I sat inside. I seemed to be extremely tired, and still am in fact. I've had coffee, but it's almost as if I am too tired to even sleep. Once grandparents left some of the tiredness lifted, but not much. I am still extremely on the sleepy side, but either I am not tired enough to sleep...or I am too tired to sleep...if I am making sense here. After a while they took a break and I came back here, but after coming back here, I felt bad for doing so. I felt as if I were being selfish for not staying out there and visiting with them. But for some reason, I just couldn't get in the mood to talk with all of them. I had a headache, I wanted to be alone, and...I guess this is what started it, I was pulled out of something I was very much interested in...a conversation with a friend of mine who I don't speak to that often. Nonetheless, when I came back here, a feeling of me being selfish came over me. I felt as if I should go back out there and appologize and stay. I didn't exactly blow it off, but I did sort of suppress it, something I probably shouldn't have done, but there we are. I also am feeling nervous, still, not afraid, just nervous. This whole hurricane experience is new to me and I don't know what to expect except for what the TV people are telling me. I just want to be alone right now, surrounded by nothing but the familiar, chats on our place, a voice community for those who don't know, convos on MSN and books...books, books. No one to bother me except for those I choose to let bother me for the next three days or so. I'm just...I don't know....sort of overwhelmed again by being home and not being able to do shit, by being home and locked back in by none other than the same circumstances that held me here in the first place, along with my making stupid financial decisions. I just want to melt into a world where I can do and say what I want without being criticized for it by the parents...where I am not yelled at because I spend too much time in my room on the computer and telephone...where I can be understood and not have to have the fear that someone will think I am weird because I have different belief patterns now than those I grew up with...yes, I am exploring...and I have no idea where I am supposed to be going yet, but I will get there in time.
I feel as if I should be doing something else, like I should be out there doing something instead of being stuck here. I feel like I'm no better off now than before I went, which is by no means the case, I know, but right now...convincing myself of this seems utterly rediculously difficult. And just when I think I am going to be made useful, dad tells mom he will help with the table...after I had gotten my shoes on, mind...after I had pulled myself out of the comfortable position in which I had replaced myself after said visit with grandma. Sometimes I feel as if I am no use to anyone here save Colin, I feel as if I just left no one would notice my absence. I feel...useless, as if I am just in the way, or when I am out of the way I am just out of sight, so no one seems to notice me...so...can I just curl up under bte bed for awhile...only coming out for meals? I am so feeling...I dunno...melancholy, I guess, and I have no idea why...or maybe I do, but I don';t know how to express it consciously?
Now however...these lonely feelings feel like they want to carry me away...and...maybe I'll let them for a time since I am alone for most of the days anyway...I won't wallow in them by any nmeans, but maybe this sort of thing would be good for me?
Too bad it can't be away from everything, just go out on a camping trip away from all civilization...I haven't been camping in God knows how long...I already miss nature, miss the wind, miss the birds, miss the feel of the sun....something's missing, and I don't know how to describe it, though I do kind of know what it might be, or at least I have some idea at any rate. I miss being able to walk to class and say hi or reach out and touch at least one or two trees along my way..I miss the sound of the waterfalls and fountains that FSU had in various parts of their campus...I just miss the outdoors in general...and I don't know how to get them back without having to spend record amounts of the money i currently don't possess
Now...I will be off to talk with Monte Cristo, who sometimes is as lonely as myself...till next time all fair readers.