The Phoenix (thepheenixeyri) wrote,
The Phoenix

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Is this possible?

OMG readers!!!!! it's another screwed up moneyday. My cell phone bill came today and since I only paid part of it last month and since I went over this month, it's ungodlyand this on top of the overspending at Tallahassee makes me one screwed up financial mess.
Mom wasn't too happy with me, saying that I need to keep better track of my phone time and stay off of it for a while. Dad added the internet, but that doesn't have anything to do with the cell phone, so I don't see where he would get that. Beesides I pay a flat rate for unlimited which is fairly cheap for dialup.
Mom was like, this summer going to Tallahassee, you sucked.
I am trying to learn, really I am, but it seems that every time I go away, it's the same thing, I mess up on something, either grades or money, and it seems as if I can't learn shit, even through experience...I don't know why, but I think it's what they're feeding me. You suck, you can't do this, and you want to move out on your ownand you would still have this bill and no way to pay, then I would have to figure out some way to pay it. I don't know, maybe I take my parents for granted, maybe I feel as if they'll always bale me out, maybe I have this mind set of free money and thatI can just pay it off again next month. I don't know what to think anymore. I just am so fed up with this whole situation...and maybe I'm getting prematurely frustrated, I do have a habit of that, and maybe I'm not...but I just feel so....bla and stressed out.
I just feel so stupid right now. I always feel like this when I come home, inadequate, stupid, like I can never do anything right, and half of it's stuff I did while I am away, I am aware of that, but sometimes I just want to turn around and say fuck it and give everything to my parents and be this little girl who just sits around and does nothing..who can just say the hell with life and live somewhere where I don't have to here "u suck," thrown at me all the time. Where I don't have to be compared with people like my aunt Nancy, and my cousin Sunshine who's overweight, where I can just be happy with me and not have to worry about what others think or say..maybe I can live like that here, too, but at the moment it seems utterly impossibleand I have never used that I don't know. Am I this piece of shit who can't get lessons through her head even through experience?
OK I screwed up, OK I made mistakesI'm fucking sorrybut now I can't do anything about it. I can't undo the things I've done, I can't take the past backI can't. But mom's getting all upset because of my near four hundred dollar phone bill for both phones. Part of that was because I didn't pay last month...all in the present, mind... which was my oopsie...and I don't think she gets that. She's just going on and on about how I'm spending too much time on the phone or the computer...I'm sorry, but watching people play hand and foot is boring, and all the negative energy out there is just way too much for me, especially when I know that Grandpa's gunna be constantly on grandma for things she is not doing correctly. Things that Grandma has no control over because she has Altzeimer's Disease. I'm sorry, but I don't want to be out there for that. It's just not my type of thing.
I know I can learn these lessons and still keep my innocence, but at the moment, I feel as if I am being slowly stripped of it, I'm slowly wasting away here and I don't know how to turn it around. I can't get out because I have no money, I can't stay here much longer than these next three weeks...if I can stay sane that long...or I will go insaneI have no where to go, Nothing to doand I'm stuck with being alone all day while the parents work with no one but my dear and loving child/cat to have as company. The only thing I can think to do is drown myself in books until all cares are gone...and aeven that is not going to take care of the problems because at night they will com back again...and then we're right back where we started.
I got so mad at my mom today that I wanted to tell her that I should just leave, but I didn't. I was like OK...I fucked up so wy don't I just...just...just...I really wasn't about to say what was really on my mind...wy don't I just leave. I am being driven to the edge here, readers, litterally.
Sometimes when I'm alone, I get depressed, I have no one to talk to, no one is here, I sometimes don't have music going, so I'm sitting in complete silence and it just gets to me at times. I should use it to my advantage and write, but sometimes I just am not in the mood and I just get caught up in a lot of different things just to keep me occupied and my mind off things.
I am in the middle of feeling like a total failure, and I feel like these feelings are being brought on by what my mom said, that all the you sucks, you fucked ups....I feel like that's all I've heard since I've been home,and you wonder howI can be so cheerfulit's because I have that innocence, that carefreeness that keeps my optimism up, but if I don't get out of here, I'm seriously afraid of losing that. There's so much atmosphere tention and release that even I can't handle it all. It's worse than before my dad got a job, because now it's all to do with money and where it's going. It's all to deal with what's going on on the other side of the house, which mom wants me to explore in order to get to know the house better....can we say clearing city?
I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I admitted I screwed up, I got several tongue lashings about my phone and computer usage, which weren't the first, I've even got admonishments on my hours....I feel like a little child who can't breathe unless the elders say it's possible.
I mean,I know they're trying to teach me,and I know I am teaching myself through my mistakes, but sometimes I just feel like nothing sinks in and that everything rolls off me like so much water. I feel like things just go in one ear and out the other...and some of it's unintentional.
I'm totally out of options here, totally out of money and totally out of feeling. I'm about to sit here and cry, but I can't. Tears aren't coming...but what else is new?
I doesn't help that I can'tseem to find my floppy drive for my laptop, I feel like I am losing track of everytnhing important to me, or at least everything inanimate. I feel like things are sliping away from me...and what will happen then? What'll be next?
I'm totally...depressed...totally numb...totally...screaminginside....I, want, out!!!!

The phoenix
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