The Phoenix (thepheenixeyri) wrote,
The Phoenix

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home again

well phoenix fans,

The seven week summer program is at an end and I am now contemplating the evils of the home going.
On the one hand, I get to see my lovely Colin again, whom I miss with the utmostness of anything. I get to go home to my room, solitary as it sometimes might seem and there I am free to do as I please. I will be able to sing and do whatever I want without fear of interrupting the TV or losing concentration because of it.
I love Gilian, she's been a rather good sport through some of the things I know she has to think are a bit odd, such as my exploration stuff and some of the things that I have discussed with several persons of my acquaintance. I do know, though, that I would be hard put to spend an intire semester with a room mate, be it Gillian or not. I would seriously have to force myself to be patient, be longsuffering and most of all...I would have to keep my rather quick frustration factor under the strictest of controls. I hadn't realized how much the TV was a part of someone's life till now. Sure I've been guilty of watching it now and then, less now than eariler in my life, but to hear it on constantly just seems a bit much at times, no offense to those readers who need this, but sometimes it just gave me a headache. I never really told her to shut it off because if I did I would have snapped it at her and that is something I didn't want to do. I will also get to see my parents again and resume the morning visits which I also miss like mad.
On the other hand, I will be alone in the house, stuck inside with nothing to occupy me save the computer...once again...and the two seeming best friends. I will be stuck on microwaveable mix ups that never seem to fill my stomach past taking the edge off of the hunger. I will have nothing to get me out of the house, no way to practice all that I've learned here. My biggest fear is losing all of the still fresh confidence I have built up. It is admittedly still rather shaky. It is just beginning to grow and still very fragile. I am seriously afraid that when I go home all of this is going to go flying out the window as soon as I am insconced in my room...and mom asks that first do you want this, question.I don't know what to do...I try to get her to understand that I do want to be independent, but every time I try she always has an argument that I can't seem to refute in time. She wants me out of the house, but she wants to drive me every where. I don't even know if the bus stop is close enough to walk to, or if the streets are safely crossable. My neighborhood has no sidewalks, and the only route I can walk leads to a canal bank and that's where it ends. It really doesn't lead to a destination at all.
I would like to think that I would have the money to kab it to a place for each day of the next two weeks...but without completely draining every penny of my savings, that is not possible
And without a place of my own I am still locked into the rules of their house. I still have to put up with the reminders of it being almost eleven o'clock and not to stay up too much longer
I guess I really don't want to go home, except for the fact that Colin is there, that it's only for two weeks and that, thank the stars, Gods and all the havens I can at least have my own space. I can sort of keep the negativity of my mother at bay and that I will be able to escape to FGCU after those two weeks.
I love my mother dearly, she has been really great these past years, but she is still an overprotection and this is what I don't like.
My dad has more confidence in me than she does, and even that is somewhat shaky. But he at least doesn't yell at me about phone hours unless I get way too loud and he can hear me across the house.
I am just anxious, nervous and very much frightened about this whole going home thing. It seems as if every time I go home after one of these things I lose all of what I learn in the course of being home. It is as if my true self, the one you've seen slowly emerge here, is so suppressed that all the learning gets pressed or pushed out and all the old stuff returns with a vengance to make up for lost time. I feel like I am a totally different person around my parents, my mom especially. Hell, she doesn't even know how much I am truly exploring. She knows somewhat...but she doesn't know that I have finally admitted to being interested in witchcraft, which interest stemmed from my very interesting research paper three coppies of which I will place here at a later date as they are rather lengthy.
She knows a little bit about my interest and love for crystals, but she doesn't know that I will sometimes sleep with one of them inbetween my pillows. She doesn't know that I would like to get more into the healing uses and other uses for them. She doesn't know that I would like to get a psychic reading done on myself to see what that would bring to light. She doesn't know the half of what I believe in, for it's not just the fairies and little nice things I believe's other things as well.
Hell, there's a lot of things that she doesn't know about me, which includes the place of my own where I go to make up stories and be alone. This place reminds me of your elf wood, Sara, except for I have my own little touches to it. She doesn't know that ever since I was sixteen, I have been able to sence energies and various other things.
She doesn't know that being left alone for those three years and more has made me withdraw into myself and create things that I will not put here in order to bounce ideas off of and in order to hear another voice. This also increased my senses to other things as I had time to think and learn and grow...grow beyond my very restricting belief system. If you wish to know...then I suppose I will tell, but let's suffice it to say that that is another journal entirely none of which is posted here.
See back then I didn't have the luxury of a mike, I didn't have the luxury of talking on the phone to all hours...and most of all, I didn't have the luxury of the networks I have now, which meant tying up phone lines.
I am hear to tell you this much and that is being left alone to your own devices breeds a lot of things, one of which is writing, another of which is intense and utter boredom which leads to other things....I'll let you figure from there. Sure I studied, but there was only so much of that I could do in a day before it got old, and not being able to use the stove made it even worse.
In any case, Colin helps to at least listen, now that I have voice chat, I can at least hear another voice and talk with others, and I have this journal to write in.
I am still nervous, still afraid and still anxious, but I suppose I will muddle through some how and maybe with a lot of luck and a little prayer I won't go completely into a spiral nose first tailspin.
The phoenix
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