The Phoenix (thepheenixeyri) wrote,
The Phoenix

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closest to feeling depressed I have been in a long time...

OK all,

Forgive me, but this is going to be one of the most disturbing entries you will se from thepheenixeyri. I was in music class today and we talked about Hector Berlioz, today, but that's not the point here. the point is that we listened o recordings of orchestras playing Franz list's music. First was the synphonic poem that he was the father of. That was all well and good and I thoroughly enjoyed the piece. However, when he started playing the concerto that he wrote, he being List, I marvelled at his playing...OK...fine to do that. But when he started playing the piece I began thinking back on my life and when I was saying as a child that I wanted to be a singer, how my years in piano were good years. I began wishing I could play like that and I began feeling cheated. Like my parents didn't take my interest in music seriously, how when I was little, my dad would say that I couldn't carry a tune in a bucket. How when I got out of high school my voice was kept up but my piano skills went down the shitter. I felt cheated, I felt like I should be able to play like that only if I had kept up my piano lessoning after school, how out of the dozens of pieces I did in high school, I can only remember one. When the pianist at the end started doing contrary motion runs and rolls, I nearly cried. It was so beautiful, and I so wished that I could do things like that that the cheted feeling was nearly overwhelming. I wish I could have been able to keep music in my life in some form other than voice. Don't get me wrong, I love my voice and if I lost my singing voice I would be utterly devistated, but I would also like to be able to do something with my fingers or even something else with the mouth. So then the memories, rather recent came to me of my dad, teasingly saying no catterwalling. Evedn though I know he didn't mean it seriously, I would still stop singing because it would break my concentration. It also hurt some. Like I said I know he meant it jokingly, but deep down inside something told me that he meant it, that he didn't like me singing, that he didn't appreciate it. Also, him saying while we were watching Andrea Bochelli...forgive the mis spelling awallens, that his whole life was devoted to singing. I felt so inadequate then, like he didn't appreciate the fact that I was taking lessons now. The fact that singing is what makes me happy, though admittedly I probably don't practice as much as I should. I felt so inadequate there that I wanted to cry. It also made me think that if music is what I love, why the hell am I still majoring in communications and Spanish?
So...we finished class and I spoke to him about piano lessons, but It won't be worth starting unless it's the middle of the summer when I do, because I'm only here for six weeks. I suppose one week of lessons here and two with Sheila then school won't be too shabby for a summer, and I would do just about anything now to get lessons while I'm here.

After class Richard had me take him to the union where I ate lunch with Governor again. We talked about history classes and professors, music classes and that sort of thing.
he left and i went to find a bathroom.

Crouds!! Absolute horrid things, them. I was walking out astensibly to find my own way home and to find a bathroom, but when I stepped outside, the croud hit me like a never ending wave of sound, energy and...smell!! Heat, too, o, it was hot out, sure, but the heat in the croud makes it worse. SO I got someone to take me to a bathroom and take me back to the union. The sense of relief when I got inside there was nearly frightening in its intensity. Then the nervousness set in. Nervousness on my part, nervousness, anxiety, almost fear. I was glad I was sitting down. I just felt like the croud outside would never end, that it would keep going and going. The union began filling, then and I had to leave. It was just getting to be too much. Even outside the croud was thick enough to make me nervous.
Richard came for me then and I had to walk through that mess to get outside the union and onto the path. Once I left the croud behind, I was OK but while I was in the croud, I felt lost, confused, out of focus and unbalanced. I felt disoriented almost to the point where I couldn't orient my own self to where I was supposed to be going. The noise, smell, feel and even the emotions there were nearly overwhelming. I'm still not sure how to center myself all that well, though at times I can do it and it helps a lot when I can. I don't know what's going on right now, but all this stuff is really scary for me. All these new details, new sensations and new things. I thought it would be easy to be here, but it's not. I can sense things metaphysically with more clarity here, and I am seriously glad for that. I really enjoy sensing that sort of thing. I have formed my own opinions of things and believe along the same lines as calya and melangell when it comes to magic and creatures that belong to it. I just don't know why all of a sudden crouds are a problem for me. I really don't think I'm agorraphobic unless, heaven forbid, you can become that way without warning or something like that. I haven't been around crouds like this for about five years, so maybe that's part of it, but I don't know whether that is all of it. I just feel so cut off from everything in them, too. All my landmarks are separated from me, it is just as easy to skip a very important landmark as it is to find it when you're by yourself. When I was sitting at the union table, I had to takd deep breaths because my hart was racing, my thoughts were going every wich way and one of my guides had to tell me to calm down, that things were OK and that I was safe. I even felt her litterally calming me...I mean I could almest feel her hands on my sholders and her presence there...litterally calming me down...sort of a gentle type of...well I really can't describe it here, but I knew what it was and I am certain sure glad for what it was. I felt like crying right there. Tears seem to be really close to the surface, too, all of a sudden, but they still haven't come out. I even felt the closest I have ever felt to being a failure. I have never ever felt like that before, and when I was in my music class and in the croud, all those feelings of doing badly at things came back to me. I felt like if I didn't get out of the croud I would have done badly on the route, I felt that because I couldn't play like that I had failed in some way in my musical endeavors. I felt that all my parents ever did was tell me that you can't do this, you'll never do this. Even when mom was here she was telling me that there was no way I would learn this campus and get around it by myself and be safe. There was no way. I feel like my mother's negativity has eaten its way into me and I don't know how to get it out. I don't get this. I wanted to be away from the parents to get self confidence, and right now all it seems like I am getting is feelings of utter worthlessness. Is it the weekend? This is how I was feeling last year around this time, too. I hope I don't go as low as I did last year, I just don't know what to do. I'm hear to have fun, and granted I'm doing that, right now though, I just feel like I could cry at the slightest provocation.

Sorry all, but I just don't know where to go anymore. I just feel like everything's crashing in on me. I feel completely over whelmed right now and I just don't know what to do or where to go.

The Phoenix
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