The Phoenix (thepheenixeyri) wrote,
The Phoenix

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I'm just going to write now

OK all you peoples,

It's just another day where I feel like writing. Feel like doing whatever comes to mind. I should probably be doing the last lessons of my Spanish Course, but at the moment I am feeling lazy.

I was in the pool earlier because Mom came home for lunch, and before that, played a game of crazy eights. I also unloaded the dishwasher this morning, and had my lunch after I had gotten out of the pool. What follows is a rather lengthy thing, so forgive me

Now it's just to sit and write. I don't know what about, just different random stuff, I guess.

Loyalty, I suppose...loyalty to someone who seems to want more than I can give. Loyalty to the Indiana boy who nearly did things I will not re mention here. He has been there for me as so many other friends have, and despite what he has done that has hurt me, I can't help but love him as a friend, I can't help but care for him as I would my other very dear friends. He was the one to come over when I was in Indiana at short notice when I was bored and take me out on walks, he was the one who took me to see a couple of movies, eat dinners and things of that nature. He began bringing out things in me that I never new were there. I fell for this at first, falling for the feelings this produced. I thought I loved him as more than a friend, but looking back on it, I know now, that I was in love with being in love and not the person himself. I had in high school a little girl's crush for him, and I also think that's what it was. I was in love with love, not in love with the Indiana Boy. I held to Indiana Boy because at that time I thought he was the only one who could do things like that for me. When a few others came into my path, all this changed, when I knew that even without personally knowing a person I could get the same sympathetic ear, the same knowing and even the same questioning, it all changed. Once I found out that the others could question me more in depth because we had the same common experiences, the same common ground my trust in those persons grew as did my connection with them. I knew then that my experiences and Indiana Boys were becoming more and more mismatched. He had to be a father figure, he was out in the work world, hell he's even about six or seven years older than me. He has had to deal with family issues that I can't even begin to fathom. Sure I have had to deal with my share of parent fights, yelling and screaming, I've had to learn how to manage money, I've had to learn how to pay bills. But I haven't had to watch children twenty-four seven, I don't have to worry about a sibling who owes me money that I might never see, I don't have to worry about nieces and nephews who have their own health problems. I don't have to worry about taking responsibilities off elderly parents who can't deal with taking care of children for long periods of time.
I mean I can talk to him about books, writing techniques, how to get around writing this thing and that thing. How to do this that or the other. But I don't know if I can talk to him about my family stuff anymore because it's the same old stuff as last year and I know he has got to get tired of hearing it. And if he doesn't, then it's just I don't feel like telling him when I know his answer is going to be something that is noncommittal sounding. I mean even I am starting to sound noncommittal when I talk to some of my other friends, but even more so with him. OK so maybe I did walk out on him when he was down here in Florida, and I am sorry for that, but I just felt he was down here to get away from that and at the time he was working on my system and I felt that him talking about his problems would distract him from the system work.
At any rate he had sent me some e-mails some of which are in friends only for safety reasons that really hurt me. He had called me selfish in both sets of e-mails. He was saying other things that were not very nice things to do with my explorations and stuff. And even after all that, the loyalty and friendly love still persists, I have even forgiven him for all the hurtful things he's said and done. I won't forget them very easily, though. Especially the stuff that was done over homecoming weekend and that oh so friendly peck on the neck he gave me when he was leaving for the airport to go back to Indiana. I wasn't even expecting that and the only reason he may have gotten any reaction out of me was because I was in shock from it.

The loyalty extends even further though. It also extends to the newest friends I've made, the ones that I've only known for a year one of which has helped me immensely in the confidence department. This one kept me from making foolish decisions, helped me from committing irrationalities. In short this one kept me sane. One who has helped me look beyond what I thought was a limitation to what I could do and helped me turn it into a tool for growth, a way to open myself to even more wondrous experiences. I don't know what to say except for thank you. To the both of you, though only one of you reads on a regular basis.

The third set sort of overlaps, my sisters, Veronica, Cindy and to some extent, Aerikah. I would even add a fourth one here and I am going to surprise the hell out of her, but I would even consider Mendi as a sister. Not merely because we grew up together, also because she and I have fought like sisters, made up like sisters and have been through so many things together that I just kind of feel like we, or at least I have that bond of that sort of thing with her. do her and ERebecca which I would probably have to compete with for sisterhood. LOL JK. The reason I say it sort of overlaps is because Veronica could also be classed as a friend that I've known for over a year. She is friend, sister and confidant as is someone above, except for the second would be brother. I can come to the four, no five of you and talk about just about anything I feel like. I used to be able to do that with Indiana Boy, but for some reason my instincts have told me not to do this anymore and I'll be damned before I disobey them! I can bitch, I can cry, I can pour my heart out to any of the friends here, mentioned or not, and more than likely I will be listened to, or at least heard out. For this I am grateful. Shit, I've done it more than once to my ten year sister, I've even done it with a few that have not even been mentioned here. Maybe not in person, but done it nonetheless.

It just seems as if I am being drawn inexorably away from Indiana Boy and even though it hurts, I still have a caring for him and if I were to stop communications with him altogether it would be one of the hardest things I would ever have to do, though I feel there will come a time where that will happen. Not through any fault to either of us...just It'll happen and God and Goddess help me when it does, because I will certainly need all the strength I can get.

At any rate, I guess I am done now that I am near to being in tears.

I just sometimes don't feel like I should have this, this...feeling for this person, Indiana boy. Someone once asked me how could I continue to love someone who nearly raped me? I dunno, but I guess it's because I am more full of unconditional love than most people think. It's just the way I am, and how I feel. I can't help that despite the things he did over homecoming weekend, I still love him. I can't help the fact that no matter how hard I try I still need to know that he's OK. We may not be nearly as close as we were, I may not have the same respect for him as I did, but I still care for him, I still have that friend's need to know that everything bodes well. I don't know why, but for some reason I just feel as if no matter what I do, I can't seem to get away from that fact. He may be somewhat possessive, may be somewhat controlling, manipulative, but...well..the fact remains that I still care. As most know, I don't judge hastily, or at least I try not to, though all of us are guilty of judging at one time or other. Don't get me wrong, I will most definitely indulge in other things, other...entertainments, for lack of a better word, and forgive me for that, for I know full well that these are much more than that, and many times way more serious. Maybe explorations is a better word.

But this whole thing, I just feel like this whole thing is eating me up inside, I am talking to him because I genuinely care for him, but at the same time, I am no longer comfortable with telling him my inmost feelings, which earlier I would have had no problem, nor less compunction to do so. Basically he and I used to have no secrets, and now I feel like I have to hold things back from him that I used to not. I would like to talk to him about certain things, but after the last e-mail I am not sure I want to, nor desire to.
I have this simultaneous attraction ant repulsion thing going on, and it's tearing me up. I want to talk to him, I want to remain friends with him, Damn it, I care for him, I love him!! Not as a boyfriend girlfriend type love, but as a friend, even to some extent a brother. Not nearly as much as my two other brothers, or even my one and only biological brother.

Thing is, I still think he has deeper feelings for me, and I thin that is what is at the root of my repultion.He still has deeper feelings for me, and I even think he treats me like some sort of daughter. Paternal/lover/friend, that's what I think it is for him. I mean, he was packing things for me, doing other things that made me think that he was taking more care for me than just a regular friend. Don't get me wrong, part of that was in teaching me, but...well...some of it wasn't. Ant after I told him I wanted space he quit totally on doing things for me and expected me to ask him. That was ok for some things, but for others it wasn't. How was I supposed to know to ask when we were going on walks, how to get to the bus stop? How was I supposed to know that I was supposed to ask him how you do this thing or that thing. I mean I guess it all comes back down to the fact that I have been asked questions and told if I haven't done things to do them. Have you done this yet? No. Well do it, please. Mom was even all on me to do reviews and revisions during my first three years of college career. That was the biggest reality check, I think, not having here there to say, do this, you need to do that...hello. I had to learn to do a lot of things on my own, or they weren't going to get done. For me, with Indiana Boy, it's mainly friend, but some brother as well. No more, no less.

I just wish I could let this go, I just wish I could get over this. Just when you think something's gone, it comes back. Am I so wrong for feeling like this? I mean, I know at least one opinion and that one says that you can't help the way you feel, but it's still eating at me. I don't know why,though. What is there to make this stop? I think even if I weren't talking with Indiana Boy this would still be happening. I am sitting here wondering why I'm writing all this, why I am putting all this out here...guess because I need to get it out, need to get it off my chest.

I am just so glad I have this journal to write stuff like this in, and good friends to help me work through all this. It's not the easiest thing to work through and I think it has taken a greater tole on me than I would like to admit. This whole thing began after I told him I didn't have feelings for him anymore and just kinda went from there. I am still not sure why I think this, but I know deep down that he still has the same feelings for me that I don't have for him, and as long as I know this, even though he says he doesn't, I doubt I will ever be wholly comfortable around him.

Right I suppose this is it and I will be writing soon. Hopefully it won't be so long and....rambly.

The Phoenix
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