The Phoenix (thepheenixeyri) wrote,
The Phoenix

[lj idol[ week 9-unprepared

"If she keeps doing things before you can, if she doesn't let you fall on your ass, You're never going to know what it feels like. It's like a baby learning to walk; it falls, it hurts, but then it doesn't do it again." rnb_capricorn

I was unprepared for many things in my life, least of all that statement. She'd said it before, and she'll most likely say it again. I was unprepared for life in a dorm when I was 9; the first week I was at ISB was hell for me. I adapted fast, but when you're 9 and you learn that your best friend that you've just started to get comfortable with can't come with you, it's a sobering thing. I was unprepared for the emotions and the fact that I had to leave the place I'd called home for 10 years on graduating high school. I was unprepared for the loneliness that followed as I spent three years alone in a house while my parents work, the only company my books and the accented voices I spoke out loud in in order to fill the silence sometimes. RP helped; but even after a while that, too, went dead; not enough interest.

I was unprepared for the hell I would have to go through in college to get math services only to find out that Indiana University Northwest did not have the proper equipment so they substituted a philosophy course for the math one. I was unprepared for the next stage of hell that I would have to go through because that did not fly at FGCU, so I had to take math yet *again* and then in order not to take the College Level Assessment Standard test (Clast) I had to get a C in a Liberal arts math course and a B in stats. But before I could take either of those, I had to go through remedial math wwhich included algebra. Which, mind you, I did *not* get in high school because I went to the Indiana School for the Blind, and the higher ups there didn't think I had the right skills to take algebra and instead plunked me in a consumer maths vent that left me screaming wtf, how the hell am I going to do this? when I finally got to college.
I managed it, but only because I had the determination from hell, really good tutors and a couple from the netherlands, AKA science_vixen and halimede who were able to brake it down into concepts I, dare I say, actually understood. :)
I graduated with a decent GPA, but then I was unprepared for the fact that since I've had three oppertunities to go for independence training (One for three months, another about a year later for six weeks, then about two or three months later for another six weeks) that the state would refuse to send me somewhere else because they feel there is something wrong because I'm apparently not using the skills I was gaining there. I was unprepared (as regards said training) for my mom to not let me do a damn thing after my first stint for three months because "this isn't our house (we were living at my grandparents' house at the time) and it'll confuse grandma if we do it now (she was in the very beginning of altzeimer's disease and still at home then). Needless to say, the skills passed. I'd never been taught that I should fight *against* my parents; they were my parents after all, they always have my best interest at heart. I was unprepared for the overprotectiveness of my parents (my mother especially)even *after* I came home from an independence place with new skills, that without practice atrophy like just about anything else... Oh... but this isn't our house, this isn't our place, it's not our place to do this; Grandpa will have a fit. Yata yata...

Despite all that, I was still unprepared (still sort of am) for all the self-advocacy I would need to do for *me*. Mom has always been my advocate; she has always been the one going to bat for me; I tell her just about everything (until now) that goes on in my DBS meetings and different appointments related to that. That was until I started talking to the LC. Now I keep things from her because the LC is trying to get me out of the attitude that I need to depend only on *them* for my transportation needs and desires )and other mor complex things, also)Which is good, however, when they are the only ones who I *know* I can count on for that sort of thing because I have no sighted local friends, (OK I do now, so that's not so much true anymore) it's much harder than even I'd like to admit to. I was unprepared for a label of "learned helplessness" that would be what they hinged all my services on for four years after, and still do to some extent.

I was unprepared for the loneliness that would come after college graduation and the return to my parents house, where other than the environs and the number of animals, nothing has really changed. I'm alone in a house for days while my parents work; no one comes to see me because they two have jobs, lives and kids. Oh my gods what a damn concept! Either that or they have a disability that keeps them from driving; just my damn luck.

I was unprepared for the outpouring of a lecture from a mobility instructer that said that because I have this attitude that there will always be someone to bale me out, and that since I don't have to learn how to get around on my own, I don't, and that because of this, if anything were to ever happen to the parentals (gods forbid) that I would end up in a nursing home because I wouldn't be able to keep this house even if I wanted to. I was unprepared for what happened after (private journal stuffs, sorry guys) and how my brain ended up processing said lecture.

I was unprepared (and pleasantly surprised) that an off-handed comment I made to the LC turned into something that was even more productive than even *I* realized it would be.

Unprepared. So unprepared. Many of us are. Unprepared for adult responsibilities, unprepared for the lemons life throws us. Unprepared for many things.

But as unprepared as I still am, I am not unprepared to move forward, to make a change. To start *now,* not when I get *there* wherever *there* is for me; *now.* I'm not unprepared to live, to love, to laugh, to enjoy life until life stops flowing through me and I transition. I am not unprepared to take a damn hard look at me and go... Maybe they are right; maybe this could happen; they're not saying it will; but it is a possibility. . It's fucking scary.

But as scary as it is, it's life; life is meant to be lived no matter how unprepared you might be, or even feel. Life is meant to be lived and loved, and in most cases laughed through/at/about. I plan to do just that, what about you?

This is my entry for week 9 of therealljidol as a just under the wire thing. :p We all gotta do it some time, don't we? If you liked it vote for me later today!

the Phoenix
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