Mom ahd I managed to have an enjoyable time last night baking a fudge marble cake which happened to turn out quite nicely. I like it when we can do stuff like that, It sort of reminds me that no matter how bitchy she seems at times, she still does love me.
I had a rehearsal today, but unlike the other rehearsals, this one was done with equipment. and....wow what a difference. He ran a little reverb behind my voice and it just completely changed the way I sounded. I had to get reused to singing again...it wasn't like starting f4rom the first rehearsal or nything, but I did have to get used to hearing myself out of the speakers and sort of ignore the echo it caused in my voice. Filling out, however, is a good thing. Now I understand what it's like to be placed on a PA system...with an instrument. I was sort of used to a capella, byut this was so extremely different. I still enjoyed it immensely and the two hourse just flew by...and now I'm feeling a lot more comfortable with the way I sound over a mike when hearing myself and I'm feeling a lot more confident in my own singing ability and my own stamina...whch, my dear peoples, is a very good thing.
I will be going back to school again after dinner is done and won't be seeing this place until the semester ends. I hope to all that's holy I can keep my sanity.
Mom brought finance stuff to me again today...telling me how dad's pention is going to run out in five years and how that is worrying him. Telling me how the house is going to be too expensive for them without a double income sort of situation. How...why? Why? The only time I'm here is during the summer. I understand that I am the only one she can talk to, but this is stuff that I really don't need to know, isn't it?The house finances aren't taken care of by ne are they? ASure I help by paying them some, but Dad's pention is Dad's business and Mom's business...oor is it? Am I being selfish if I tell her not to talke about these things around me? Am I being mean when I tell her that the stuff about the finances that she and Dad handle are things that should stay between her and dad? Am I being rud when I tell her that she should find someone else to talk to about family problems? SOmeone who is outside the family? I mean, I see where it does affect me because if the house gets too expensive I will have to think about moving back in with the grandparents or find somewhere else to live or something, but at the moment, I don't know how to handle this or what to do. I've gotten responses from offline friends ranging from "Tell her to fuck herself" to "she needs to find friends." Someone else has said that this is stuff that doesn't need to be on me, and I'm tending to agree. I'm afraid of what's going to happen this summer when I start trying out the little independence strategies I have been playing with small scale onthe weekends. As it is, those two small scale things didn'twork...which makes me think that on a larger scale they may not work either...ever since I've come back from Tallahassee a year ago, my confidence seems to have taken a slow down ward slide. It's not as bad as it was, but for some reason, I feel it could use some uplifting. I'm starting to notice a cycle too...every time a semester ends my entries turn ranty and anxious...fearful and sort of...oh, I dunno...depressed, I guess. I wish there was away to break the cycle short of moving out, because at the moment I still don't have the finances to do so, and some don't think I have the knowhow either, and that isn't just my parents. I think I'm somewhat ready, but not completely. I do want to move out, but yet it scares the shit out of me at the same time. One of the reasons I'd like to move out is because it will force me to have to do things for myself because if I don't do them they won't get done. I won't have mommy there all the time to clean my bathroom. I won't have daddy there to help me with certain things, like putting together my keyboard, helping me with my computer, that sort of thing. I won't have them there to help me cook. Maybe it would give me the confidence I need because I will have to do it in order to survive. Yet everytime I approach them with a moving out, they ask me all kinds of questions and it shoots me down. I just wish there was some way to be independent and still live here....that was the one thing I envied Brian for. He still lived with his parents, but it was if they weren't even ther at times because Brian had the freedom to do as he pleased with a minimal of questions asked. The only time they asked is if they were doing something and they wanted to know if he could do this or that for them or if he was coming home earlier than they were. I just hope this summer isn't as bad as the summers before.
Anyway...now that dinner's nearly done, I should go. See you all later.