The Phoenix (thepheenixeyri) wrote,
The Phoenix
thepheenixeyri

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going home again....


Goddess!!!! I swear some people are just too damned stubborn for their own good!! Yesterday I had a meeting with my counsellor from BDS, my Disabilities coordinator and my mobility instructor. Besides the usual appearance driven shit that the talk about with me, shaving and the like, Cindy brought up my study habbits and organization...she went on and on about the Spanish tapes and how there was no excuse for me turning my assignments in late and that if she were the teacher she wouldn't have given me the extra time to do them, there was no excuse for that, none.....gurhrhrhrhrhrhrhrhr!!!I fucking dropped the tapes....OK maybe I should've checked them out earlier...I'll ad mit that, but if I'd have dropped them later, then what?
So she's talking about how she has concerns about my seriousness of my studies because of my seeming procrastinationg attitude I'm projecting to them. Apparently I'm projecting this dvelmaycare...I don't care attitude and I think it's funny and OK to procrastinate....OK so I've told some people I was totally unmotivated, but I don't like that feeling. I hate the cycle I'm getting into. I hate not nbeing motivated because I know that doesn't get anything done. I know that I need to sit down and get going on all of this stuff because it needs done...CIndy wastalking about how important deadlines were in life and how out in the real world I wouldn't get the kind of extentions I am getting now and that I would be out of a job if I continued in this sort of attitude.
So...what about my grades last semester? Mom was talking about them and that they were showint the sort of effort I was putting forth last semester. I was telling her that they sort of had a higher expectation this semester for me because of the work I did last semester and they were especting me to have everything down by the third week...OK maybe, but sometimes even if you've been there before it takes other people longer to get back into things especially if they've been to a bigger university and everything in their mind had been replace with those landmarks. I was trying to convert back to a smaller more spread out environment...and they expect me to do that within three weeks?
OK I can see Tuesdays and Thursdays...but Mondays when you only go once a week...and you only have classes on three days where as last semester you went every day? To me, three weeks isn't a lot of time...but I guess I have a different concept of time than every one here. I might as well just move to a country where their time concept is different or I won't survive
Then my O&M instructor brought up the changing majors...and they feel like it's a delay tactic in order for me to delay the real world, and that all I'll be doing is getting nearly done with one thing, then move to the next and all lthat good shit...no!!! I told them about what I was doing in order to get everything straightend out for the major switch, I'm going to a career counselling and along with that I am also getting personal counselling from the same person. I want to be able to break this scycle of not being motivated, and I think part of that is reworking my brain to think differently than the shit my parents have been feeding me for years, especially my mother. I want to be able to say...yes!!! I can do this, I can be independent, I can be this amazing person that Cindy has talked about others being...I also want this music, damn it!!! I'm going crazy without it!!! I didn't find the University singers in time for this semester and I end up vocalizing at least once or twice a day...OK so my keyboard's sitting at home not being used, but that's because I'm here and my parents won't let me have it here, a and b, they say there's not enough room, which may or nay not be true....so? .
I feel as if, yeah there giving me good credit, but with that they're giving twice as much bad credit...and what does it say about me that the same shit comes up every fucking semester? I seem not to be able to learn anything....nothing seems to stick with me and if that's the case I may as well just drop out and crawl into a little corner and just fade away because if I can't satisfy them now, how will I satesfy anyone at all?
And have they ever taken into account that the hurricane is throwing everything off for me? I just....aaaarhrhrhrhrg!!!!!! want to scream!!!
I hate the cycle I'm getting into, I hate that I am so unmotivated that all I want to do is sleep and do nothing all day. I hate the factt that all I'm doing is wanting to sit in front of the computer and vedge....it's not good, it's not helthy and I want to make something of myself, damn it!! But if they're talking about not supportihg me because I'm not serious about my studies, then what else wil they complain about? I am just so tired of my DBS counsellor's hard-nosed personality that I just want to go up and break it. I want to put her behind a blindfold in an unfamiliar area, or maybe even a familiar one for three weeks and see how she likes it....I just want to scream...shut the fuck up!!!! Put yourself in my shoes for once, damn it!!!
Sorry readers for above language...though I've been told before that this is my journal and I need not appologize for anything written here, but I just am a bit upset by all this right now.

In other news, Ivan is coming, cat five, then cat four....I'm not sure whether he's back up to cat five again or not, all I know is since he's coming this way, Mom is coming to get me again. I told her to come after she gets off of work so that I have all day to do homework before I go home. I'm glad I'm going home now because of the new little one. I want to give her as much attention as possible while I'm there. I'm not neglecting Colin by any means, but it's always nice to acknowledge the new presence and make it feel welcome even if it won't be staying long. Sure it may nake it harder for me to let go in the end, but It's one of those types of things, I'd rather have loved and lost, than never loved at all... Mom says she's not getting attached to the kitten and that she wishes dad wouldn't. I don't see where she can get off saying that. I know she hasn't spent that much time with her, and that could be why, but I still think that it's helthy for them to know that they have been loved even if it is for a very short time, at least they have lived with the knowleddge that at least one human cares enough for them to take them in and nurture them. Dad was that human, but now I would like to lavish my own affections on her.....and show her the tender side of human emotion.
So now that I've written a varitable novel, I guess I should get some homework done before I go off ome.

The Phoenix
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