The Phoenix (thepheenixeyri) wrote,
The Phoenix
thepheenixeyri

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fucked up

Hello all phoenix fans,
I had a pretty good time till I came home to find out that I seriously fucked myself money wise.
Mom and I got up at a little before seven and I got all of the rest of my stuff out of my room, my suitcase and all that good stuff. I spent most of yesterday packing. Packing so hard in fact that I completely like ignored my messengers even though one of them was one of my friends from Ireland who doesn't come on myuch. Then Mom came and we went to a meeting for the program where we listed the good and bad points and where there could be room for improvement.
Soanyway Mom got the stuff out of my room and took it to the car. We then went swimming in the hotel pool.
We rode home in the car listening to a cat story by Lilian Jackson Braun. If you like misteries, please read her books, they are awesome!!!
So then I came home to find out that I seriously screwed up my finances and I really don't have any money left not even to pay bills. I screwed myself out of freedom essentially. I screwed myself out of voice lessons, out of cab fares to get out of the house...I basically fucked my way into a whole that I had no way of getting out of.
When I come home it always seems that I am coming home to something I did wrong. I started crying when I thought of all the stuff I had screwed myself out of. I was setting up my computer by that time. Reconnecting my braille display, hooking up my mike, making sure that everything worked when it hit home to me what I had screwed myself out of. Dad heard me. I told him that I was disappointed in myselfand I told him what I had done. I screwed up money wise. He used my piano as an example of my wants and needs. He told me that it sits unplayed while I'm at school. I told him that that was because they didn't let me take it with me and he was saying that I don't need it while I'm at school. I really don't think they realize how much music has become a focle point for most of my energiessure I don't listen to a lot of it while I write here and maybe some of you guys are surprised that music is a big part of me, but it is. I need to have something I can play...something that I can do that pertains to music or I go insane. I also need some pleasure reading...mainly fantasy, but other things work as well...otherwise I just kind of don't feel like I've done something right.
So he has decided that they are going to help me pay off my credit card and Sears card bills and I am getting an interest free loan from him. I am going to be paying him two hundred dollars a month for the next seven months.
I was crying and saying that I can never seem to do anything right that every time I come home I always seem to do something wrong. The parents said that that was the wrong perspective to be in because it wasn't what you did while you were home, it was what you did while you were away and when you come home, you just realizwe that you have done something wrong, be it grade or money wise.
I'm still really upset with myself, though because I literally locked myself back into the cage that I was so desperately trying to escape from. After that I called Aerikah, Veronica and my friend Doreen. I told them all I was home and Doreen and I talked for quite a while which was cool because she and I don't get to talk very often. I tolde her about the money situation, and she akind of gave me a silence...and a little bit of a lecture...mostly a supportive ear, though.
After I talked to Veronica I went to bed.
The Phoenix
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