The Phoenix (thepheenixeyri) wrote,
The Phoenix
thepheenixeyri

LJI season ten: Topic1-the afterlife

It is always there, the abyss. There's nothing to look at-you can't even see yourself, all you see is empty black space. You lean into it, hoping, praying you might see yourself reflected in it, but all you have is more blackness-then the thoughts start. 'it's hopeless, hopeless' it whispers in your brain-but how did it' find it's way in? You didn't let it there, but you keep leaning- maybe if you lean a little further you can find a mirror and see you...just maybe you can find yourself there.

"When's it going to end!" The voice of someone you love screams it in your ear on the phone. You don't know. You tell her this. Every other day you've had to ask her for money, for help, for something. You feel like a bad and neglected child for it-a horrible one. A fucking horible person. A failure. Something else for the abyss to latch onto 'yes,' it says. 'You will always be...'

Now it pulls at you. 'come, you know it never will. It won't end-you must make it end now. Now before it is too late, and this reality is yours forever. You will never be financially stable again; you know this. I know this. It's hopeless... You lean into the words. Only you can hear them. No one else hears them, or so you think. The abiss begins to surround you, you start to become it-alone, it says. You will always be alone... it begins to color your world. Grey now, all you see are shades of gray...some black at the edges but mostly gray. There is the occasional break-but even that only does so much, then in creaps the darkness again, the black and opressive silence...alone. The animal helps-the purr seems to pull you back some, and you cuddle him, the few tears you feel you are alowe find their way into his fur, and he licks your fingers. You are glad to have him-it would be so much worse without him there, so much.

You wonder, though, when even he won't be enough...

You stand by your medicine cabbinet wishing for the pain killers (Mild ones, alleave, asprin, exedrine) you do not have. You wonder if it's worth spending some of the money you don't have to go get them. Then you realize you literally have none. You are overdrawn.

But then the voice of rationality comes to you, soft and true, and the gods you have, come. You can see your patron, his antlers are in your head, he is pleading with you. 'don't make me take you with me' he says.

You look at him. There's a sadness in his eyes-there's a vague sense of loss-he would lose you here. The chance to turn you around-whoever you is now.

You turn back to the medicine cabinet, ignoring Him for the moment. You put your hand on the mirror, wishing for something, anythimng to make it end. Anything.

'That's it...' The abyss is nearly upon you now; you've leand so far in, that it's gotten in your thoughts, and you hadn't really even realized it, so intent were you on trying to see yourself in its darkness, but now its darkness is you; you're it now, or very nearly. Your world turns nearly black-you don't wish to do anything but stand there in front of the mirror-which unbeknownced to you, reflects you profile back at you.

'Don't make me have to...please don't make me have to do this...' He cries the words-and there's still enough in you that you can hear him, though at this point you can't quite remember His name-who He is-He's just a voice, a pleading one. An insistent one.

Missed...this isn't him, but you. You will be missed, you realize this. You realize that your mother would be devistated, your friend would be torn to pieces-you would leave this behind you-the fact that you committed this...act, this...ending. Which really wouldn't be one, would it? It would just...make things worse, so much worse. Just a different sort of hell. A diferent sort of darknes-or pain, maybe. Pain? ... Why? Why would you want to cause that sort of pain...what did they do to deserve that. Even from you; especially from you.

But it's hard to pull yourself out now, little by little, you try. You manage it, but the abyss still whispers every once in a while-but you know now. You know because you've been there-and you thank your deities that you had nothing to finish the task with. They knew what they were after-and that was you remaining. Always.

Entrant one for week 1 of thereallljidol I hope you enjoy this, so far as you can.
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