I still feel like disappearing somewhere and never returning. I just feel like I am not being as productive as I would like to be. I aasked my room mate to walk me to the union and on the way out, from the dorm, i got my routes mixed. I started on my route to my class instead of my union route. I got back on track, though and the rest of the route went OK. I ate a lot there, and all of it was good. I won't describe it here, I ate way too much to do that....OK, maybe I just don't feel like it. I'm a little tired right now, but I just felt like writing again, so here we are.
The croud in the union wasn't as bad as this morning, but it was still a croud and it still gave me a bit of a nerve racking. I suppose I am going to have to get over this new fear of crouds and stuff because I'll be navigating through them a lot, but it's not the easiest thing in the world at the moment. I'm just like really overwhelmed right now with all the details of everything I have to learn and am expected to remember. I'm beginning to wonder if this wasn't a bad idea. I'm beginning to wonder if I haven't bitten off more than I can chew. Roo mate's not the problem. I've had them before, even if it was high school. The crouds, the energies, the sounds, the smells, the emotions, the...sensations, the fact that I have never been this far from home before, this whole thing is just so....so....oh, I don't know, scary, I guess. Downright frightening. It was used to that I could just call mom and have her drive things down to me. Now it's she's gotta mail things to me and I feel so cut off from everyone I know that I just feel adrift. I thought that I wouldn't feel this way when I left home, but I guess I was wrong. I miss Colin, I miss the presences I sensed in my area, though some have followed me here, I miss being able to wake up in the morning and visit with the family before they left for the day...I guess I'm sort of home sick as well, but I just don't know what else is here. If I want to switch majors I may have to come down here which means that if I do, it won't be so bad because I'll know the campus, but I'll still be as far from home as I am now. I wanted out, and I still want out, but I don't know how far out I want to be. I'm completely, and I mean completely on my own now and I can honestly say that this is the most afrighted, scared, afraid and frightened I have ever been in my life. I'm having to cross streets independently, something I am not used to doing, and have really never done up to now, I am having to walk at least a half mile or more aday, which my body is not used to and my legs are still in pain. On top of all this, I am having to learn all the stuff for my classes which includes some rather complicated music. I am not used to choir singing, see, and all the voices around me singing different parts make me nervous. I am used to being able to hear myself sing and not others with me. In the barbershop chorus, it was nearly the same as here, but it didn't seem as loud for some reason. I do enjoy it, though, so it's not like I am going to turn around and drop the class. I wanted to takethis class and I deposited the money especially to do this, so there is no way in the hottest pit of hell that I will even thhink about dropping or even quitting the class.
So...all this is getting me where? LOL I don't know how much longer this will go on, but all I do know is that I have had to be litterally calmed nearly twice today, and that both times it was because of a croud situation.
Aerikah did call twice today, and I called her back once. I'm surprised that Gillian doesn't think me weird. I talk about certain things with Aerikah that some may think odd. I also have things that we do, such as certain "abilities" that we speak of that make our conversations sound stilted, not all together, or just straight up odd. So...now I am just sitting here wondering whether I should go to bed or not. I doubt I will sleep if I do. I'm too keyed up and also too tired to do that. The pressure keeps changing and when that happens most of the time I end up staying up rather later than i should, but there we are. I suppose I shall write again soon and hopefully it will be a little more light hearted.