The Phoenix (thepheenixeyri) wrote,
The Phoenix
thepheenixeyri

[lj idol] week two, official entry

"What? You *still* don't have a job?"
"She's a bitch! How can he stay with someone who's a manipulative bitch!"
"Lenny makes me sick! He doesn't want to do anything."

So what? Who cares? I don't. I don't have a job; my sister-in-law's a bitch; dad works with a lasy ass who takes advantage of him and is on the damn sell phone all the time...

SO what? None of this is in my room; none of it matters to me. This is all about you; it has nothing to do with me. Except for maybe the job. But I don't care. I just don't give a shit. I want my own place, but I need a job first. But I really can't seem to get up the nerve to care. I need independence to have a job; I can't get motivated enough to care.

I need more money than what the government gives me to have a really nice place; so what? I'll get it... some day. It just won't be today, because I just really don't give a flying fuck. There are stats that say the blind have a 75% unemployment rate. I've been fighting an uphill battle for so long that I just.. don't care anymore; I'm tired of caring. I grow weary of fighting.

"Valid driver's licence required; 4 people have just been let go...; 1 to 3 years experience required; Need to be available at a monents notice." What makes me want to care when everything comes up against me? Why should I even try? No wonder the stats are the way they are; no one wants us. Why should I even care when I feel like no one wants me to work for them? At least no one down here, anyway. The last place I worked for fucked me over; the last place I worked for made me feel like a failure.

I'm comfortable; I'm well cared for. I can do basically anything I want... What's the harm in staying here? I have my parents to back me; Mom cooks the evening meals, other than my room, she cleans the house...

And bitches at me because she says I haven't changed since I've been talking to a life coach; bitches at me because I stay up late at night and spend my days in bed. Bitches at me when I make plans and don't tell her until *after* I buy the tickets; bitches at me when I go somewhere new, tells me that I make days like that more about *me* because now she'll be worrying about how I'm doing; who will be responsible for the things I can't do by myself; is worried that the world will take advantage of the poor me that is blind. In affect she puts me in a cage. She puts me in the cage of her own worldseye view; a cage that she drops over me without me even realizing it's there- Or at least not right away. A cage that I press against and manage to weedle through, but only somewhat. A cage where I must be in while she uses me as an emotional vent. Something that I'm so used to now, something that I lean and press against. Now- Now it's just second nature. So second nature that it' just...

It is mormal now. I have been able to pry out enough bars of this cage (her perceptions; her constant emotional chatter; where she feels I should be) that I've just... given upcaring whether or not I leave.

I go out and look because I know I have to, but at the end of the day, if I haven't found any job that screams at me it's... oh well... whatever. There's another day; maybe I'll care more then. Maybe I'l start caring about the state of everything in this house. The bills; the state of this thing I call... a biological familly.

Not bloody likely, but whatever, there's always the future. . . A future from which I have become utterly detached. Perhaps it's for the best; I'm surviving after all, aren't I?

this is my submission for week two of therealljidol in response to the topic: "I don't care about apathy: What I should care about--but don't."
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