The Phoenix (thepheenixeyri) wrote,
The Phoenix
thepheenixeyri

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[lj idol] week 1: "saying good bye."

"I treasure this horse... I treasure this horse." There was a silence after she spoke those words; words that nearly made me cry. I was maybe 14, perhaps a bit younger, but not by much. Those words were spoken after my best friend since second grade had taken a well cared for, completely outfitted barbie horse down from her dresser. For that style of horse, it was well groomed, the saddle and blanket and shoes were on; the hair was nicely brushed to gloss. I must have had a look on my face like... oh.. what? I'd never had anyone keep something I'd given them so well before, most often I would ask, and they would say that they had lost it, or had given it to someone else. Never before had I had anyone take something down so well beloved as that horse. I think I was also a bit surprised that she had taken such a lovely thing down to be played with. Most often things that had been *that* well kept were for display purposes only--or at least that's how it was at *my* house, anyway. But I wasn't at my house: I was at Janet's house. By then, that in and of it self, was a rare privelige, one I cherrished for the special occasion it was.

Because I'd not yet known a friend like Janet R. One of those rare sighted friends that no matter what others said, stuck by me; that despite the distance never forgot about me, even if she did have to move to lowell to go to a different school. We always kept in tuch... always. . .

We attended each other's birthday parties, We spent hours and nights and days at each other's houses, even if it was only once or twice a year; when we were small children we had hours of conversation on the phone; there were days when I tried to get her to guide me because I didn't much care for the other leaders in my second grade class (Kenny Miller, anyone? Oh, and don't
forget about Jason Shilling!) We sent each other birthday presents; Christmas presents, I attended a play once just so I could give her one of said presents.

We went our separat ways, and still we kept in touch, even if it was with less frequency than either of us would have liked; She went to ISU (Indiana State University); I was at IUN )Indiana University Northwest). I remember our last conversation. I was at the Bosma Rehabilitation center, a center for independent living skills training in Indiana. I had tried her number, and she picked up. I was exstatic, by then it had been nearly a year since we'd last spoken, and it was catch up galore, She had changed magers; was living in an apartment; had a cat called Isis; had not heard from one of her other best friends in quite sometime which made her sad. I had graduated high school; spent three years at IUN; I had a cat and a small dog; and was now taking a break from college to get some much needed skills traning and had a request... I am cooking a dinner for my graduation, would you be able to come? She said she wasn't sure she'd be able to make it; her schedule was a little tight. Little did I know then, that that would be the last time I would hear her voice. That pleasant good bye would be
the last one I would ever hear from her.

The day arrived. She wasn't there. I was a little bummed, but not surprised. I was much more disappointed that only three out of the seven people I'd invited came. One of my instructors, and two mail friends of mine.

I wished she'd have been able to come, I would have loved to see her one last time before I left Indiana, before I lost touch with her. I wish I could have seen her one last time so I could have told her that she was like the sister I never had; the one I'd always wished I could have had.

As it stands, the conversation where I invited her to Bosma Rehab about five, perhaps six years ago was the last time I spoke to her; that good bye seems now to have been the shutting of a door, though when I placed the reciever in the cradle that day, I had no idea it would be that way.

I speak of Janet R as if she has passed. I really don't mean to. I know she's still around somewhere... I just have no idea where that might be. I often wish I knew. Even now, I wish I knew.

Oh sure I have many friends, some of which I've rediscovered through lj, and who have blown me away with their lives...
mariamist
rajo
from my old elementary school, incidentally the same school that I met Janet from
araura_nebulosa
delfinesrosados
loveable_leo
rnb_capricorn
ryogalost
All from ISBVI... Who have all taught me so much about what it means to be a growing, maturing young woman.

And I have discovered a group of absolutely awesome sighted friends, that even though we've yet to meet in person, are just absolutely amazingly wonderful and supportive, and have become very much like family to me. :).

But saying that last good bye. . . Hanging up that phone for what I realized some few years ago was for the last time, or what I figured to be for the last time. . . It makes me wish I would have told her back then how much she really meant to me, even then.

I still miss her'; I still miss my sister. I still think about her often and wonder. . . Always
wonder. . .

Does she still treasure that Starstepper horse I gave her all those years ago? Because the Lord and Lady know that I still cherish her memmory and all that it entails.

This is my submission for week one of therealljidol. I hope you've enjoyed it. The voting link will be posted as soon as it becomes available. Thank you. :)

Until the next stretch of wings. . .
the Phoenix
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