The Phoenix (thepheenixeyri) wrote,
The Phoenix
thepheenixeyri

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ponderings...

Hmmm....let me out!!! Let me out, let me out!!!

There's something in me that needs freed and I don't know what it is. I'm still standing at a cross roads, where Christian saving's no more to me than another day, where prayers are still being answered by God, yet...
If there is something in me that needs letting out and I don't know what it is, how am I supposed to let it out? There's a story lurking in me, and I do have some idea of it, but to write it would be to write my very soul's escence. TO write it would be like writing the life of a sister, who the subject of the story seems to feel like, though we've never met in person. I am being pulled. I'm being prayed for, I can feel it. I'm being pulled, yet the saving of a Christian means nothing to me anymore. The saving used to bring so much joy, but now it's only emptiness. Even the Christian concerts don't have the same appeal for me anymore...sorry yalls, maybe I'm dwelling on this a little much, but...it's just me I guess.
I've heard that there is a plan for my life set out by God, and I've also heard that you create your own reality. I believe in both to some extent. I believe we chose our challenges, our life, but we did not choose our circumstances such s the family we were born into, where we are to live...things of that nature,, for that is where God or the Universe comes as He/it knows best where we should be to grow to our full potential. I believe in reincarnation. I believe in past lives as well...and most of my faith...if I can still call myself a Christian, don't. I guess I shouldn't have done this research projectt, if I knew it would unsettle me this much, I probably wouldn't have...no I take that back, I knew it would unsettle me and I still did it because I thought I could look objectively at it. I felt I had the power to stay within the reasonable limits of safety within Christianity. I have been singing a lot of songs from that faith lately, more often than not, but...I still think on songs of others as well...and it makes it a little more difficult, I suppose. I feel caught by both, entwined in both. I believe in Faeries, angels and the like. I believe in magick...yes...you read that right. I am fascinated by legends, myths, stories, exhautic places, creative imaginings, I have gifts that I know of, and ones as yet to be explored. I have connections with nature and feel in tune with all of it more and more each passing day...where?
I suppose I should take the advice of a good friend of mind and pray about this and take a day just for me, but how to do so in a place where people move about the house...I have all of the day light hours from about Nine to four or so, but after that, forget it. I guess I'm still right where I was last night, and maybe even some months ago...still standing looking on.
I'd love to go exploring, I'd love to take a look at some of the celebrations that take place outside of my own belief system, but with schedules it is very difficult to do so. I want to know...I want to know where I fit, and if it is nowhere, at least I know that I can be free outside the walls of society, outside the walls of what people would term normalcy, outside the walls of...culture, I could very well, then take most of the criticism of people, because I will know what I am doing is for me and for whom ever i choose to serve whether it be the earth, God, or whatever. Just as long as I don't fall prey to the ill intended...
All right, I suppose I should stop before I get more caught up in the frenzy of this. I'll again write soon, and I hope it's not this stuff.

The Phoenix *why this? And after those nice tributes, too!*
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