My worst fear happened.
Cassandra, AKA Red Cross lady, called me with all of the info, I told my parents I wanted to leave...
they railed on about how she isn't here, she's a total stranger, she can't assess our situation here because she's in pennsylvania, doesn't know shit. My father called her a butthead. I'm twenty-five and she said that if I really wanted to leave I could call 911 and say I was being held against my wishes. When the lady from the Red Cross told my Mom that she threw the phone at me and told me to go and that "If I didn't trust them to just leave and not come back."
Cassandra has been with the Disaster Teams for more years than I can count, and just wanted me to be safe. I wanted to leave a long time ago, and now I feel like I've come this close to asserting myself and I couldn't do it. I tried, tried, said I wanted to go, and they talked about how we have the best built house in the neighborhood and how they would never put me in danger. And how someone I haven't met in person could control me and fill my head with fear was beyond them. How she could upset them and their family life just isn't right. Dad even told her to butt out of his family life and his business. He even hung up on her on my cell phone. He nearly took my cell phone away from me as that, he says was the sorce of the trouble. Then he says that Red Cross lady was the source of the trouble for above mentioned reasons. Red Cross lady is speaking from experience, and I just dunno. I just feel like I can't do anything right now, nothing I does works. And they wonder why I have such a hard time being independent? When my dad took my cell phone from me, he told me that he had had "enough of my bull shit."
I will admit to the fact that they love me and I can't remember when they have put me in danger, but I still feel like I shouldn't be here. Mom even had my aunt talk to me and say things to calm me down.
I met Red Cross lady through Doreen, and I've known her for at least five or six months or so. Give or take a month. I just feel like anything big I try to do falls flat. I started crying and told Doreen I couldn't do it right now because it hurt too much. To think that my mom and dad would think I don't trust their judgment cuts deep. To think they would think that Red Cross lady was controlling me and that I would take her word over theirs...I just couldn't take that. Perhaps maybe I was, but I was trying to keep myself safe. The parents say I couldn't be any safer than where I am now. They were even asking me why I wanted to leave three days ago when the storm wasn't even here. I'm doing what my heart tells me to do, for at the moment, I have no other choice, if I indeed want to come back to a home. My confidence levels have been tried and tried. Once they rose, now again they fall. When will I find the strength to follow through on what I want to do? When...when will they realize that I truly am a grown woman? I try putting my foot down and I get it stepped on so hard that I have to pull it back or be in agony. Metaphorically speaking, of course. So if you don't know already. I am still in Cape COral, still at my house. *Not* at a hurricane shelter.
So...The words were said, and I stay. I want to have a home, after all, I want to have a family. Even though I consider some of you on the F-list family...I want to know that I can have...somewhere *here* that I can come to in times of rough going. I dunno...sometimes I wonder if it's even worth trying anymore. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever break myself away from my parents completely. OK not *completely* but enough to be sure that I can be my own person, and not something *they* think I am, or *someone* they want me to be. So on this rather depressing note...
I end this.