and melodica83 I hope you girls find this interesting.
Now since the situation I am posting may seem odd to some, and...not so weird to one or two, I'll save that for last.
Mom and I went to Flea Masters today, which as most of my readers know, is a flea market down here in Florida that is absolutely fantastic. Other than finding out that I lost a couple of five dollar bils, and mom thinking she was going nuts because she couldn't find her own money, we had a pretty good time. After last night, I needed that. I saw Ruben while I was there and we did some catching up. I always enjoy talking with him and since his shop is full of fountains of every description, and most of them are running...I could spend my entire day in there. THe music of the water coming from so many different fountains is so soothing...and again I needed that after last night. I bought Puck while I was there, Puck, the mischief maker from "A Mid Summer Night's Dream." I also learned a little bit more about the birds I like so much. Blue and Gold macaws' wings are huge. I never really knew how big they really were until today and the beak structure between them and the cockatoos is rather interesting, as it is different. The cockatoos have more of a scisor type closure to their beaks, wheras the blue and golds, and most likely all macaws have more of a plior like closure to theirs. I dunno, I just thought that was kind of interesting. I always like learning new things like that, I think it's neat.
Mom sort of got mad at me for spending nearly thirty dollars on Puck and said that my whole fucking dresser was full of nick nacks and for what? She was talking about how even at her parents' place if she got rid of two thirds of the stuff they had there they would never miss it. Which implied that if she did the same to mine it would be the same way. She was talking about me getting rid of all my porcelain dolls and me starting on my statue collection. I told her I could do both and that's when she got pissed, or a little anyway. I chose not to answer her, though my thoughts were that it makes my room have personality even if they're not on shelves. She thinks it's just stuff, though. My friend in Milwaukee's opinion of my mom isn't all that high, neither, of course are some of the opinions here on my F-list. I am on the phone all the time, and I am having a hard time relaxing while I'm on the phone with a certain person in Milwaukee because some of the things we do are...yeah...rather interesting to those who don't know what we do. We do a lot of spiritual and mental work, and some of it is discussed rather freely while I'm in my room. Only problem is that I have to keep part of me aware of what's going on in the house due to the fact that, If I don't have my door closed, the mother will randomly poke her head in. Also the bathroom that most of us use is on my side of the house. There is one in the master bedroom, but most of the time that's used when both of my parents have gone to bed. Pisses me off, and since I really didn't have to be assertive growing up, I don't know how to talk around the woman for certain awkward situations. I just wish she would realize that I am not a child anymore.
Oh yes...and last night I was on voice chat with a certain person on my F-list when Mom came in at the end of a conversation. I was just saying bye to this person when she asked who I was speaking with and I said a person in Rhode Island on voice chat. She asked why I was getting into this voice chat thing and I said because I wanted to.
"And what kind of people are on there? More morphadites and gays?" Her voice was very very condescending, like those people were the worst thing to hit the earth.
"No mom." Exasperation, frustration and anger...though the anger didn't show as much.
"And what kind of information are you giving out about each other?"
"Nothing personal, we were just talking about computer stuff."
She like to piss me off last night...and people wonder why I'm so damn sheltered. She's so damned contradictory I can't stand it!
I'm still feeling helpless right now...completely and utterly helpless. I feel like the main reason for a friend going somewhere, where I placed her, has been taken away from her, and thus my help has gone straight out the window. Or more appropriately the reason for me placing her there was taken away, which makes me feel like what I did didn't work out in the least the way it should have.
See the friend in Milwaukee has a musician and author whose stuff she adores. There's a lot more involved than just that, but since this is a public entry...well..yeah. So I managed to find a way to get her there, but she didn't get there until half the signing was over, and as it was they didn't get to spend all that much time in conversation. I know most people don't get to spend much time in conversation with people like that, because I've been there, but this was in a bookstore, and the author seemed to be spending a lot more time with the people than is usual. I don't know how much to say here because this is public, but I kind of wish something more would have happened. Either something subtle that they both would have known, or something...a little more overt. These two have met before, and it was almost like the author barely recognized the woman, even though the Milwaukee person did have a guide dog with her both times of meeting this author and musician. Also this woman sent this particular author some gifts of appreciation.
The fact that the recognition wasn't there or that the author didn't seem to recognize this person for what she was trying to get across just kind of made me sad.
I do know now that that wasn't the intention and that the author/musician looked tired, but I just kind of feel like I didn't do enough. Like I could have done more for the both of them. This was the one time I could help someone without the parents being aware I was doing so, and that being taken from me...nearly made me cry. Correction, it did make me cry. I may turn this protected so I can say more, but we'll see. I know it's not my fault and I can't control the environment around here, but I just feel like I have to be a whole different person while I'm here at home. My parents don't really understand gifts, abilities or anything like that and the fact that I use them sometimes freaks them out.
I am still in the process of setting my true belief systems in place, which I feel I won't truly be able to do until I move out. My Christian foundation, my wiccan beliefs and native ones are starting to blend the way I like, all three beliefs are so similar (especially wicca and the native ways) that I'm finding it easy to incorporate them, but I'm still not sure how to balance them. I'm praying to the gods that I find a way soon or I will go completely insane. When I'm down at school, I'm a lot more freer with things, I'm not afraid to tell people I'm wiccan, I'm not afraid to tell people what I believe. When I come home, however, I have to hide all that. I have to become this good Christian person...not that that's necessarily an all bad thing, because that's what I grew up on, and there are still some Christian artests that I absolutely have to have in my musical library, but some of the opinions of the parents are no longer my own, and I feel, here anyway, that I have to be a conformist. No fucking way!!! I guess that's why I don't like rules all that much because I've lived under strict ones for most of my life and now that I'm out at college and finding that I can break most of the rules I've lived under, coming back to them is very restraining. Everytime I come home from college, and I know I've said this before, but everytime I come home from college the feeling of entrapment becomes, or seemingly becomes, worse and worse. My parents, especially the mother, ask all manner of questions before every single independence venture, which used to make me back off. Now it makes me more determined to do things and to show them up. I'm beginning to think Milwaukee person is rubbing off on me because used to, I wouldn't. Now...I'm tired of taking shit from the mother and beginning to see why Milwaukee person and others don't like her. I just wish there was a way to assert my independence without making me look like the child they still think I am. Well, as far as going out during the day is concerned, at any rate. Going out at night probably won't be that much of a big deal as they will be able to see me do things like get a cab and stuff. Or get my door to door service to take me. However, just the fact that I am stuck having to live with all her questions about who my friends are, what their orientation is, where they are, and what they do, and the questions about how will I do things when I go travelling just are getting rather annoying!!!
OK now that this entry has become a mix bag, I suppose I should pay attention to my messenger as it is calling me.